Aphelion

2008-04-14T00:53:00.001-04:00

test

VI.

2006-10-26T20:48:00.000-04:00

The world is without sin.

All the gods and religions of our world must simply coalesce into a single entity. There are no things within our world that are not wholly separate. A god, or path, or creator who would engender our universe would not make himself, herself, themselves or itself especially obvious in the eyes of man. Rather, the creator would be subtle, showing machinations in brief glimpses: the religion, government, science, must all derive from the same mutable Word. The Word, when it passed into being, when it was given life, form, design, purpose… our universe began. A universe created for the soul purpose of being created. The purpose of our universe is to realize that there is no purpose. Anything else would imply an absolute end. But there can be no end, there can be no beginning, there is only the great cosmic dance of life and death. The great ebb and flow, the cyclical dynamic of our world. Now our greatest minds tell us that the world we live in is truly static: that all the infinite possibilities that have existed in our past and our future have occurred or will occur. This correlates with the true nature of the true god. Everything exists for eternity or must not exist. There is no partiality in the universe, only the dynamic change between two forces. There is nothing else.

“O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a King of infinite space…”

In our world, a world with infinite possibilities, we are the world’s greatest sinners and the world’s noblest saints. We are Hitler, Gandhi, Stalin, Lincoln. We are the most ignorant masses and the greatest thinkers. We are everything and nothing. We are Jesus. We are Muhammad. We are the Tao. We are God. We are nothing.

To understand this, to fully accept the encompassment of all opposites and all realities, is to transcend into the state of bliss. Schopenhauer asserted that with an animal’s increased intelligence comes an increase in pain. And when intelligence reaches its supreme point, so does the agony of revelation. I assert that at the supreme point, we are free of all earthly bonds. At such a point, the journey through pain yields a state of pleasure. This would be the point of transcendence. When one approaches this point, the nadir, all is lost until the point is reached. And when someone reaches this point the world turns upon itself, and the entity may hold the sky in its hand. And look down upon the earth, the universe and all universes. The entity stands not on the nadir, but the zenith. Its gaze pierces all times and all spaces. And all is revealed.

But they will teach us that Eternity is the Standing still of Present Time, A Nunc-stans; which neither they, nor any else understand, no more than they would a Hic-stans for an Infinite greatness of Place.

Leviathan, IV:46

2006-10-26T20:47:00.000-04:00

Musings I

2006-10-26T20:45:00.000-04:00

THEY'RE HURTING YOUR BABIES/!@#

2006-09-27T09:18:00.000-04:00

in case of fire, quietly and in an orderly fashion,
form a single file line in the front of the class
and wait for your instructor, facing the door,
continue towards the north stairwell,
then proceed calmly and quickly towards the nearest exit.
leave your bags and coats behind kindly...thank you.

you can't tell me i'm not good at math.
poor writer my...
i've got 25 jumping jacks left and two big circles to run in...
don't want to be late for attentive head nodding and tie tying class...
present in six months, i'll be a college graduate...
and then i'm gonna be...mr dr., police, fire, space man,
ballerina, zookeeper, cowboy, president of the united states...
what are you gonna be...
memorize that...before you get sent out to sea...

Anyways...

Check check, back to reality here. Actually, fuck that man, let's lay it all out. One: I am taking a sabbatical from my physics major for a semester. That's right, I'm just livin! Actually I've never been better... Besides the fact that I now have some sort of fucking STOMACH PARASITE/APPENDICITIS/ALIEN inside my abdomen.
Two: AIESEC has to be fun again, and that's all that really matters. I am thinking of changing the name AIESEC to something that invokes better imagery, perhaps Flying Rainbows and Glitter Club.
Three: Bruni is not getting his phone back, I sold it for crack.
Four: I've studied more physics in the last month than the last year, wtf is wrong with our education system. Random waaalk.
Five: Jimmy John's people now know me by name, and order the proper meal for me ahead of time.
Six: I am extremely clumsy with my bike which has led to near-fatalities on multiple occasions.
Seven: PEOPLE BETTER STEP OFF
Eight: Warmmilk is rocking the suburbs.
Nine: I've started to incite random acts of chaos throughout the campus.
Ten: I could be going insane.
Eleven: WTF IS IN MY STOMACH?!
Twelve: Clappy regularly attacks me with pans.
Thirteen: Yue needs ritalin in his drinks.
Fourteen: IF YOU USE THE PLOTTER AT THE SNRE SCHOOL MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR DIMENSIONS LESS THAN 35.5" ON ONE SIDE
Fifteen: They are not for eating.
Sixteen: Why can't we down Vael?!
Seventeen: I am attempting to infiltrate every level of computer security throughout the university.
Eighteen: Digital mind expansion program increased production levels were always paramount.
Nineteen: ERASERHEAD WTFFF.
Twenty: I hate all cellphones.

And that's it for my non-sensical stream of consciousness! Stop by next time.

The fog is lifting.

2006-08-27T18:53:00.000-04:00

And all comes back into focus.

Words

2006-08-14T12:40:00.000-04:00

become symbols that denote a concept.

Remember this moment.

2006-07-31T13:58:00.000-04:00

It occurs to me that I am beginning to forget. Not because of any particular reason, but because of the constant march of time. With that, I would like to write down the most memorable experiences I have ever encountered:

1. Sitting alone on the highest point in Mesa Verde. It was dusk, and there was a faint taste of mesquite from the restaurant down below. I gazed out in all directions for 100 miles. I sat there crosslegged and stared at the sky until I fell asleep...

2. Night again. This time I am actually piloting a Cessna over the east coast of Florida. It is around midnight. To my right over the land, is a full moon. To my left, a great storm out over the sea...

3. Sneaking away from my sister's entourage around 1:30 am in Venice. I walked down to St. Mark's square, ordered a glass of white wine, and listened to the orchestras along the riverbank...

4. Arches National Park. Too long ago, it seemed, my best friends and I sat atop of sandstone monoliths. Jerome threw my Irish hat and it rolled all the way down the mountain. Haha. We sat in silence and stared into the sky again...

5. Walking the streets of Sienna, my sister and Nathan just being married. The city celebrating as we walked through the cobblestone alleys...

6. Los Angeles. Nathan and I are exploring the city at night. We climb through the concrete jungle of the empty financial district without a care in the world.

7. A night with a certain girl. Haha, that's all the information I am willing to give.

8. Nathan and I again in Madison. After stopping by Green Bush, the trance music of Brain Child's Symmetry C (Lange Breakfast Mix) from Paul Oakenfold's Essential Selection Vol 1 is resonating through Nathan's old Dodge Caravan. We stop around 10 pm in front of the train tracks behind the convention center and blast the music as the coal train passes 10 feet from us.

9. Space Camp in 6th grade. I am playing four square during rec hour outside of Space Hab 2. I look up into the night sky and I see a lunar eclipse complimenting Hale-Bopp. Both are next to each other.

10. Who can forget the endless LANs? The one that sticks out in my mind occurred in Mark's basement. I consider that night to be the height of the gaming experience. Let's not forget C is for Cookie? Haha... Mark, where did you go?

11. Arnaub with Bruni and I trailing him, walks into Taco Bell on State Street in Madison. He begins a drunken argument about tacos or something equally ridiculuous and ends up punching a street lamp. He'll attest that he never remembers this event.

12. Defeating the no. 1 ranked fencer in Wisconsin. I was so stunned I forgot to shake his hand as the proper formality dictates. He comes up afterwards to shake and congratulate me. My admiration for him only grew.

13. My father and I eating dinner in the Space Needle. We were excited for the future and of where I wanted to go to college.

14. Camping in Wyalusing with Javed and Adam. I don't think I've ever laughed so much as when I was with them.

I hope these memories will never fade. I hope many more will be added in the future.

2006-07-28T15:00:00.000-04:00

I am listing out my favorite musical artists due to a request.

Windy & Carl
Bloc Party
Pink Floyd
Smashing Pumpkins
Aphex Twin
Autechre
Saxon Shore
Neutral Milk Hotel
Broken Social Scene
Themselves/CloudDEAD/13+God/The Notwist
A Silver Mt. Zion/Godspeed! You Black Emperor
Matisyahu
Dj Krush
Ryan Adams
Neil Young
Tom Petty
Bruce Springsteen
Warren Zevon
Ulrich Schnauss
Depeche Mode
The Books
Shpongle
M83
Air
Plumbline
Woob
Sasha
Explosions in the Sky
September Malevolence
British Sea Power
Sigur Ros + The Hafler Trio
Odin's Raven Magic
Portishead
Via Satellite
The Flaming Lips
Massive Attack
Jeff Buckley
Hammock
Goldfrapp
Nobuo Uemetsu
Amina
Dredg
Biosphere
Vangelis
Thievery Corporation
Philip Glass
Yoko Kanno & The Seatbelts
Hybrid
Blur
Groove Armada
Solar Stone

If you listen to at least 85% of these, I want to marry you.

2006-07-27T14:59:00.001-04:00

And as always, night turns to day.

2006-07-26T01:05:00.000-04:00

Humanity is a funny thing. I suppose that is an understatement. With so many things that have happened to me, I have turned my eye more and more inward. I am a selfish bastard. I can accept that. Selfish and selfless. Over the last few months I have re-evaluated what it means to be myself. I don't even remember who I was. How many people have I let down? Many. How many people have I failed? Many. And I don't write this as a search for pity or help. I write this in hopes of someone, anyone, understanding me. Maybe through such a process, I can understand myself as well.

Humanity survives on conflict. We live in a world of simple dualities. There is no viewpoint that is not separated from a polar opposite. We cannot escape this, and we cannot escape the act of prejudgment. We don't relish our opinion. We relish the act of judgment that is the determining factor of the opinion. I have to break this. I have to break every single act of friction I come into contact with. I used to respond in selflessness. Now I respond in indifference. It was this godamned thing that drove me away from everything, my dreams. My family. My loves. I have become caught up in so many tangles that I cannot even fathom where I am right now.

I won't do it anymore. I cannot. I am different. I am different. It feels as though my life is coming to an end soon. That I've done everything I've could and I cannot do anything more. Perhaps this life is done. Perhaps its time for me to become something else entirely. I can't deny the things within me that have been pulling me away from this.

I apologize, as I always apologize to those who suffered in the path of self awareness. Does it matter? Probably not. I can accept that as well. I don't actually apologize anyways. I am done with formalities and the normal operative behaviors that are deemed proper pretext for interactions in our society.

People need to be reminded of themselves. Not themselves in the eyes of others. We are so concerned with our own self in other perspectives that we lose our own ego entirely. To be selfish and selfless... yes, the utopian ideal. This is what must be achieved. In order for me to accomplish that, I must shed all the hulks of me that I seem to be dragging, like some anchor with its chain twisted around my neck.

I have been so quiet after dealing with the things I have dealt with. So quiet that now I can do nothing but vomit these words and continue to vomit until I am satisfied. One can become bulimic with information. WHY have I been so quiet? WHY WHY WHY? What is happening me?! I am becoming frightened. I cannot sleep at night, I cannot eat. There is some hideous thing growing in me. And I used to be such a good little boy. C'est la vie.

To anyone who actually still reads this and have no idea what I am talking about, excuse my horrible ambiguity. To anyone who understands this, excuse my horrible execution.

I can no longer deny the things in me which force me to let go of my past practices. There is an intense buildup that has been occurring over the last few years. I can't deny it. I can't.

This is my Ragnarok.

I know the outcomes. Like a projection into space, I see the nexus of location and time where all proceeding events flow. It's as if there is a single doorway leading to the true path of my life.

I am sad by the people I have hurt. It was never my intention, as I feel in the entire history of the world, no one has ever truly intentionally hurt someone. Yet I am sad that I have only led half a life. One half acting out of self, one half waiting within self.

Writing this, I begin to feel clean. I feel as if I am cauterizing these wounds I have given myself. No, I won't be frightened anymore. I won't escape anymore. There is no time left, and there is so much to be done. Words precede action. Action leads to change. Change shifts future paths of all those involved.

Can't you see? Can't you perceive?

It's time to evolve.
It's time to become a force to be reckoned with.
It's time to start living for myself.

I've adopted

2006-06-22T22:46:00.000-04:00

adopt your own virtual pet!

Update

2006-06-15T16:45:00.000-04:00

I'm at work right now. Somebody has trouble logging in to their mail client.

I say, "did you type the password in correctly?"

They say, "of course, I don't think I'm that dumb."

I say, "well let me try logging in." I login fine. There is a resounding look of astonishment on the professor's face.

"How did you do that?"

"I logged in. Are you sure you didn't change your password."

"Oh wait." Professor logs in. "The, uh, problem seems to have fixed itself."

"..."

-As is the life of a computer consultant. And yes, I am back to blogging, foolios.

Update?! Never...

2006-02-20T17:17:00.000-05:00

Ah my wonderful blog, how could I forget it? What day is it? Where am I? I have no idea.

Let's see, lets get the basics out of the way. One, I am taking a break from pure math and science, and going out to explore the rest of what the Universe(ity) has to offer. Haha, lame joke. My courses in classical archaelogy, political science, electronic music composition and historical novel/film are excellent. No worries, I shall probably return to the scientific discipline in the coming semester.

My god, AIESEC. AIESEC has been crazy. With all our incoming newbies, regular members, creating teams, doing ROKS, and figuring out the whole president thing has been stressful but also incredibly rewarding. I am eternally grateful for a few members who I can really depend on when things get too burdening for me. So yay with that!

Summer plans I have not yet figured out. Do I want to do an Energy traineeship in Africa? Do I want to go to University of Michigan's archaelogical dig in Kadesh, Syria? Should I go out for an internship for National Staff? Should I stay in Ann Arbor, working for AIESEC MI and taking classes? So many options within the realm of possibility. Oh well, simply another aspect of my life to ponder.

With all that aside, I mentioned the energy traineeship in Nigeria. I find that I am becoming increasingly concerned and impassioned by the growing energy crisis. At ROKS this weekend (which was incredible by the way) I was faci'ing a session on the energy crisis and I realized that this is probably something I should pursue with my life. It is the perfect combination of science and the human element, which I was afraid I would lose going into a strictly physics-based field. I am terrified of The Ivory Tower, and I would like to do anything possible to avoid such a situation. Oh well, I am happy simply helping people right now.

Who knows what the future holds for us?

Name that Picture...

2005-12-15T11:20:00.000-05:00

10,000 points and my love forever to whoever names the game from this picture...

Don't cheat by looking at the file name.

Weeble and wobble, the occasional squabble...

2005-12-06T01:06:00.000-05:00

I sit here now, on my bed, trying to take a break in the midst of of a very rough week. And I must say, my head is filled with too much crap. Now, as I dim the lights and softly play Sigur Ros, I can clear my head of all things. Ah where to begin...

Where I am at right now with my life.
Ah! Yes, what a wonderful topic. Me. Haha, just kidding. No, seriously. School this semester pretty much sucks. The only class that I really connected with was my Celtic and Nordic mythology course. Well, thats fine. At least I have come to the realization that I don't know what the fuck I want to do with my life. I mean, there are only four prerequisites:
1. It's helping people.
2. It involves both science and politics.
3. It involves me working outside of the US.
4. It isn't about money.

There you have it folks. If you have any suggestions, please, feel free to let me know. Right now, I am thinking energy policy. It is a fascinating topic to me and I think I could do a bang up job. Just send my to Kazakhstan or something. Yay school.

And AIESEC. So guess what. I'm president (although I hear the in word these days is "Community Leader"). Woohoo! I am both excited and scared. Having 60 people to manage is going to be fun and challenging. BUT I HAVE THE POWER BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN MYSELF. Man, it's like those crappy movies we used to watch about doing what's right in 6th grade health. All that shit is starting to surface again. Does anyone remember what I am talking about? Those crappy movies about kids doing what is right. They're like on stage or something... Agh... One episode was about choosing between going to Disneyland or staying home and doing a project this chick (she was dressed as a bird or something) had to do with a classmate and she starts singing "stuck between a rock and a hard place." Fuck, I want to go to Disneyland. AGH WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE SHOW. Anyways, where was I... ANNUAL DINNER KICKED BOOTY.

GO GO AIESEC MICHIGAN 2005

Outgoing presidente! Li'er COME BACK I LOVE YOU!

Cool People

Me giving a speech? ZOMG.

Life gets to be so interesting at times. Right now I am contemplating the world, trying to forget about my 8 page term paper. There's just so much that must be done and so little time. It makes me hungry. Hungry to change the world! And actually hungry too.
Let me go grab some eats.
OK. Eats obtained.
Speaking of eats, I was at Leonardo's the other day, trying to stuff my face with food for the weekend and I overheard a couple of freshman talking about string theory. I would have chimed in, but honestly I was more concerned with Smashing Pumpkins 1979 coming over the headphones.
It's not that I dont care about those things anymore; I just decide to think about these things in the dark hours of the night, and focus my energy into the task at hand. At my task at hand was stuffing pizza in my mouth and tuning out on Pink Floyd. Ah, bliss.

Anyways I really don't know what I am talking about anymore and I am starting to enter a state of delerium. So I suppose that's cue to leave.

Oh, I wanted to say, I will update this once a week from now on. Promise. I SAID I PROMISE DAMMIT.

A thought.

2005-10-20T00:28:00.000-04:00

And if it be my Alpha and Omega that everything heavy shall become light, every body a dancer, and every spirit a bird; and verily, that is my Alpha and Omega —

Tonight I was consumed with a thought. This thought has been burning in me for awhile now, although it has come to me in only parts. I shall attempt to coalesce all of it together.

Where shall I begin... I used to believe that free will could not exist. This of course leads to determinism. My basis for this was science. In all my learning, I have learned that there could be no such thing as "free will" or "free choice" because we were dictated by factors outside of our control. Essentially, if we were entities created from organs, these organs are created from cells, these cells from amino acids and proteins, amino acids and proteins from molecules, and finally molecules from atoms. Thus our entire will was merely determined by the play of atoms within our minds, the constant struggle towards equilibrium of different substances within our bodies, the electrical charge and discharge of axons and neurons in our brains. And thus, if we possessed infinite computational power, with infinite storage capacity with the ability to map the location of every single atomic arrangement in the universe, we could thereby perfectly predict the future.

However, this was found to be false. Because even given all those factors, we know it is impossible. Due the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, we cannot predict the location of atoms without affecting their velocity. Therefore, electrons exist in probability clouds that surround the atom. This is how determinism is broken. By quantum mechanics.

If QM were to hold true, free will and free choice will all be possible due the that quantum structure of the universe. In all of science, it still comes down to probability. Because of this one idea, it breaks every facet of determinism filtering through the heavens.

Therefore God, or the Tao, or Allah, or any other spiritual body could scientifically exist. These then become the same entity, which I will call the "Probability Determiner." It is the only conduit through science in which these entities can exist. Therefore all gods are one and the same. They all exist within this probability.

The probability determiner leads to the basic, underlying concept of the universe, which is the wave pattern. Every aspect of the universe exhibits the wave pattern. This is a constant, oscillatory state which exists between two opposing forces. Clearly, this is seen in particle physics/quantum mechanics (photon packets, antimatter, spin opposition of quarks), electrodynamics (RMF voltages, induced current, electromagnetic waves), thermodynamics (entropy, heat flow to equilibrium, adiabatic/isobaric/isochoric/isothermal processes), and every other aspect of physics.

It is interesting to note that as humans, we also perceive in a world of opposites. We always measure some aspect of ourselves as opposed to an opposite. Be it an emotion, or a sex, or a political party. This is not surprising, since we must also exhibit wave-like patterns.

Then fate is also possible. Fate could be described as the over all wave pattern of a distinct set of factors leading to a choice. The choice, however, is in the hands of the entity, which is allowed to make free choice. For example, if a series of major events takes place, due to general changes in society and the world, leads to smaller events being "spun" out of these major events. These give way to you being in a particular space and time, in a particular emotional state in which you make a choice. Every event that led to that choice is determined by a larger series of events, and for every one of those events, and even larger series, until you reach general overall patterns exhibited on a macroscopic level. All these series of events could be called a "set" or "fate." Both free will and the cyclical nature of the universe are then intact.

In eastern culture, this pattern was known. Behold the wheel of life...

The eastern mystics were able to extrapolate their senses to view the overarching patterns of our world, and this is the resultant. The Tao is also a clear example...

The beauty and simplicity that lies within the Taiji symbol is evident. We see two opposing forces, the Yin and Yang, in a constant state of oscillation. At the maximum point of one, lies the seed for the other. And thus the cycle is maintained.

Another interesting note is that if these sets do indeed exist, it allows for certain level of reincarnation. What I mean by a certain level of reincarnation is that a repeating set could lead to an entity being created that has the same thought processes as a previously existing entity. Therefore the entity would be "reincarnated" to a certain degree, however he or she would not have the memories of the previous entity. This entire concept is relatively Nietzschian. It is known as Eternal Return. Does the wave nature of the universe give rise to this? It is a possibility.

Ok, so all gods or probability determiners can drive humans to free choice, but does this mean the rest of the universe is also determined by such things? Yes, indeed. In fact, there is an entire branch of mathematics dedicated to it. Chaos theory. Chaos theory provides the other major driving force behind the oscillatory patterns of the universe. Seemingly random systems of the universe in fact, given a large enough timeline, exhibit the same repeating patterns. These are governed by relatively-deterministic equations, which when graphed with a high step size as a phase diagram, reveal the attractor. A non-repeating, yet cyclical and ordered pattern...

I am finally done. I can actually sleep now knowing this shit is out of my head and written down. Yes, it's probably all BS, but this is what I keep this blog for, to write down convoluted ideas such as this.

PASS OUT TIME.

Ah, how lovely is Illinois...

2005-10-09T14:17:00.000-04:00

ROKS WINTER 2005.

Well, there were some good things and some bad things. We arrived at 2:30 am because we had to wait for a few of our members to finish up midterms Friday night. The drive was fun, I was able really break the ice with my peer group (the life of an AIESEC Coach... yay).
Arriving at the hotel, I realized something was off. That is to say, there was no one there. Of course the OC accommodated us, but we were really at a loss to what we were supposed to do. I stayed up and hung out with the two crazy girls, Kelsey and Liz, Asier, and Aman. Finally, we decided to go to bed.

Ok. Roks itself. Conference started at 9:00 am as usual. And then it hit us, by morning plenary we found out that Michigan had 2/3 of the delegation basically. The only other schools were Miami, Eau Claire, St. Cloud and Illinois-Champaigne. WTF MATE. I understand Madison is hosting their own Roks, but it was at this point that I realized that was an incredibly bad idea. The entire point of Roks is two-fold, one is to gain information through sessions, the other is to meet other people from different schools. Where was OSU, Purdue, Indiana, Buffalo?! I am pissed because the OC went through a lot of work and (supposedly) some LCs just decided not to come at the last minute.

Anyways, besides that, the sessions were damn good. Especially in the current state of AIESEC US, this ROKS really helped get the information out there about the changes going on. The facilitators were all excellent as well.

So in the night, unfortunately there was a choice between going to a bar (basically for anyone over 21) or going to their union for some sort of game thing (basically for anyone under 21). Neither choice really appealed to me, as I started having flashbacks of Purdue ROKS stuck in BWW. So we decided to leave at 10:00 pm and arrived back here in Ann Arbor at an ungodly 5:00 am. YAY! Oh well, that was the consequence.

So to end, the conference was good for information, I just wished there were more people there (I don't think we nearly lived up to the expectations of our newbies). Props to Rikesh, Suzanne, Dianna, Carly, Jill, Joanna, Asier, and the OC.

And now coming home I realize that I have to honestly make a decision about a major choice coming up. Am I able to handle this task? I am going to have to think about this for many a night.

And for some reason, I keep playing Ryan Adams - The Shadowlands on repeat. Don't ask me why, I have no idea.

Welcome back to the fold

2005-09-25T01:45:00.000-04:00

Battle begins again within the city limits of the wonderful locale of Ann Arbor, or collectively known here as A² . That reference is stupid and I hate it.

Sorry... Where was I.

Ah, first my new location where I battle both external and internal demons:

Nothing new there. The house is running relatively smoothly, despite the occasional belligerent and drunken Clappy running around. Haha, he holds his philosophical conversations through the stupor though.

AIESEC is consuming more and more of my time. I have decided to do energy crisis work in Africa through AIESEC next summer. I do not intend on going home again.

As for my state of mind... Well, I find myself changing again. I have this Astronomy Physics double major. I have the possibility of running for presidency of AIESEC Michigan. I have great friends here.

And yet, there’s always this feeling within me. It makes me to go to the highest floor of the tallest building and stare off into the horizon until I fall asleep. It makes me sit in the arboretum and forget the world I am living in.

This thought, this dream... whatever it is... comes to me in waves. Sometimes it becomes subdued for periods of time but it always rises again. It never goes away. I have these dreams at night where I am helping people far away, but I don't see their faces. I just feel happy for once. It is a place so far removed from here. I've realized that there is only one real thing that could cure my depression. That is to make other people happy and to continue to make people happy. And I want to do this somewhere far away from the US.

I know I am going to change the world. I know it. It's not ego, nor ambition. I just know it.

What shall I do with my life? Shall I ignore this feeling and continue with my physics for the next 7 years? Do I sacrifice my dreams and life plan in order to help those people who are barely even surviving? Is this selfishness to stay here? And I just realized recently that somewhere along the way, people started looking up to me to make the right decision.

I now stand at a nexus. A crossroads of time and space. And perhaps... just maybe... there’s a single solution for all these questions. A simple, elegant solution.

Pardon me for horrible grammar and punctuation. I am le tired.

As is life.

2005-08-27T02:45:00.000-04:00

Blank page was all the rage...

A mockery.

2005-07-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

Just forget I said anything. It's not worth it.

2005-06-22T13:10:00.000-04:00

Everybody gets a little lost sometimes.

2005-06-04T20:58:00.000-04:00

Gii boaðašii ja vuolgašii
Loktešii dàn dovddu,
Deavdašii dan unna doaivvu
Eana mojoda
Nu jaskaðit, nu leggaðit

Leago dat roahkatvuohta,
Jos bargan dan
Dahje, jos in bargga haidige
Dolla buoldaša mu muoðuit
Almni iudne ruoksadin...

Mun muitan savgaldusadit,
Ivnnit leat mu mielas.
Dovdduit maid donddan,
Dat leat go čàhci...
Gos dat bohte?
Gosa bahtaredje?

Mii lea duoddariigguin,
Mii lea mieras?
Dan hàlivččen diehtit
Muitašan,
Bissànan jurdagiidda,
Divdan biegga muitalit,
Muitalit eadalagan màilbmis

Gidda mu čalbmii, lihkà oaidan čouvgga
Govča mu beljiit, lihkà gulan sàniit

Duoivvu guoikànasat ràbket eatnama,
Roahkatvuoðas dola čuovga,
Ustitvuohta, ohccà eallima čàzi
Nu allin gos biegga.

Blank

2005-05-26T22:35:00.000-04:00

I've lost all track of reality.

Oh?

No, that's what I was going for.

Welcome...

2005-05-19T03:51:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Cluster One

Home

2005-05-04T15:56:00.000-04:00

So I am home now. Returned to where it all began. It's always strange coming back to the place where you came from. This place is becoming more and more alien... Anyways, I am just trying to recover from the year. If anything, I can describe it as anything but monotonous. There were such incredible highs, such ungodly lows. I am reminded of a quote from a favorite movie of mine, "The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long; and you have burned so very, very brightly." So now I am here, trying to recover and trying to rebuild myself. I have accepted the IT support position for AIESEC US so I will be doing that, and a friend of mine here says he can get me into the tech support area at Best Buy for my summer job. Kinda miss working with computers, they don't talk shit to me. Hah. Besides that, I am just trying to slow down. Slow down. Slow down...

Music for you all to listen to:
Pink Floyd - Marooned
Ryan Adams - Wonderwall

Bagel

Greg

Room

Uh...

2005-04-09T22:27:00.000-04:00

I have found that I am highly addicted to frisbee. I can't get enough... NEVER.

I need to go play frisbee.

Simple

2005-04-06T02:01:00.000-04:00

Too put it quite simply, I feel I am falling apart.

Delerium

2005-03-29T03:32:00.000-05:00

I have absolutely no idea what is going on.

I have no idea what I am doing with my life. There are many things I should be doing but I just can't. I spend my time day dreaming. I spend my time remembering the past and thinking of a perfect future. Not for me, but for everyone. I feel very lost... perhaps dispossessed is more appropriate diction. I find that it is only myself that I can truly depend on. We as a society must function as fully autonomous entities in order to fully contribute to the general welfare of the society. Correct? Wouldn't Mill say "The worth of the state, in the long run, is the worth of the individuals composing it?"

People question why I enjoy solitude. Perhaps my solidarity will bear the fruits happiness. To each his own, I attest.

Jesus Christ, what happened

2005-03-06T21:44:00.000-05:00

So the last week has been pretty insane.

Myrtle Beach... restful... until twister...

Madison. Holy fucking moses. From sneaking into the Madison Avenue Club with Trent's ID to power hour goodness to KC Masterpiece's party to watching geese get arrested with Peter.

Solid Week.

Back to it.

Rock

WooooooO

2005-02-23T21:43:00.000-05:00

FREEDOM!

I am done with classes for spring break. I will now spend my time running around with my camera and reading. Hmm I think I will go out photoshooting tonight...

I am going to Myrtle Beach with friends from Friday to the 1st, then heading back to Madison to hang with family and AIESECERS IN MADISON! Woooo.

Speaking of that, Bay area is going down for declaring war on us. Bastards. :)

Looking around

2005-02-21T02:07:00.000-05:00

So... what's up here. Let's see. Blue Party was a lot of fun, good times, good drinking games, crazy dancing. Props go to Thomson, April and Jack. Solid night.

I've spent the last two hours talking with my roommate about welfare distribution systems, the flawed view of capitalism within the US and alternatives to find a working socialist state. I'll get back to you when we get the answers...

I've finally overcome any remaining resentment with my failed relationship. I am left feeling absolutely stoic. The things that I used to want, I don't care for anymore. I don't care if I am in a relationship. I don't care if I meet someone. I just feel "blah." Luckily, there are a few others in the same boat. So rock on, my disillusioned people.

I looked back on my other entries, and I realized that those taken at face value, I look like I am pretty much the most depressing guy in the world. Hah! I'll work on being more upbeat. I guess it's just me realizing that other people may read this besides me.

I think Postal Service said it best:
What does it take to get a drink in this place?

Depredated

2005-02-14T01:24:00.000-05:00

Make no mistakes...

Life is very short...

Life is very terrible...

Epiphany

2005-02-08T02:14:00.000-05:00

It's now 2:14 am on the seventh of February, 2005. Four days ago, I have completed twenty dances around our sun. Tonight, however, after talking with a friend, I have realized that the world we live in is being torn apart. I have realized, for the first time, the full degree of what is wrong with this entire planet. And I am mad.

I am mad at everything.
I am mad at our government for defiling the pure, corrupting the good, and destroying the beautiful.
I am mad at our companies, for making us so driven towards things that mean absolutely nothing, while behind our backs they lie, deceive, and feign innocence.
I am mad that the society I live in is totally blind to the pain, suffering and discontent that lie beyond our borders.
I am mad that when we do hear about the injustices beyond our land, we agree that it is terrible, yet turn around and walk away after the first fleeting moment.
I am mad that we have no regard for anything on this planet besides ourselves. We will use any means necessary to get what we crave.
I am mad that we call ourselves civilized when we act in the most barbaric manner towards our fellow man.
I am mad that people scream at the top of our lungs, "END RACISM, END SEXISM, END THE HATE" when they cannot even love themselves.
I am mad that if they do give up their hatred, they replace it with indifference which is so much crueler.

I am mad that, in a society of the educated, the informed, we, for all our knowledge, cannot see ourselves being driven blindly off the precipice.

I have been a member of an organization dedicated to changing these effects. This... AIESEC... this... Association Internationale des Estudiants en Sciences Economiques et Commerciales. They are trying; they are trying so godamned hard, but it isn't enough. It isn't nearly enough. It is a drop of water in a desert of the necessitous.

But the world must change. This world must change.

I am going to leave this country. I am going to find a way to change this world. Be it through the Peace Corps, AIESEC or any other conduit. I must do this.

And until I abscond from this place, I will wait and hope that dreams will show the future unfolded...

Sup

2005-02-02T22:00:00.000-05:00

I was tired when I wrote this. More to come later.

Whew...

2005-01-27T01:05:00.000-05:00

What is up people, how are we all doing tonight?

Life is working out strangely... I have my plans set for spring break in a beachside condo in Myrtle Beach. I am spending it with an absolutely amazing group of people. Things here are pretty good. Slamming head-first into math and physics, representing AIESEC MI as much as I can, hanging out with people and just having a damn good time every night.

Too all those out there making my life great, and you know who you are, I am fucking honored. :)

Music Tonight: Traveling On - Beber and Tamara

Arise again

2005-01-22T14:19:00.000-05:00

It is the new year. 2004 was an incredible display of the entire palette of emotions present in the human soul. It culminated during winter break. 2005 is starting off in very... interesting circumstances. The strange dichotomy that exists between my world here at college and back home is fading. I feel I am losing contact with that part of my life, and I am more on my own now than ever before.

Believe me, I am not trying to exercise a melodramatic utterance. Things in my life right now are arranging themselves into a new order. I am feeling something in me that I have never felt before. A drive. I am casting off the parts of my character that have been killing me. My mind is turning into metal.

Welcome to 2005.

Albums to start the year:
1. Don't Look Now - Way Out West
2. Push the Button - Chemical Brothers
3. Labyrinth - Juno Reactor
4. Cafe Del Mar 25th Anniversery

An experiment with light...

2004-12-06T02:36:00.000-05:00

Wow...

2004-11-30T02:52:00.000-05:00

Well it is 3 am again back here in Ann Arbor. I've returned back into the fray of schoolwork. Today has not been a good day, as my close friends here are quite aware. Hopefully we can all get out of this funk together after this week of hell is over.

I think we deserve some happiness for once. Just once.

Currently listening to: Difference - House of Cards

The big wheel keeps on turning

2004-11-20T03:10:00.000-05:00

So after Tuesday, I have been having a great time trying to forget about such an incredibly stressful and rough weekend.

Anyways, with the release of a certain game and with good friends around, I have been having a better time. Now I really don't have anything to do until after Thanksgiving Break. Woooo. Anyways, I really think I need sleep because its 3 am and I am beginning to hallucinate. Peace out everyone.

Sigh.

2004-11-15T13:37:00.000-05:00

Yeah...

I think I've had enough of that picture...

And I Beheld Death...

2004-11-14T10:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, so the title might be a tad melodramatic, but if I seriously live through Tuesday I will be the happiest person ever. Formal report for physics lab, worst calc exam ever, physics assignment... fun stuff.

This weekend was great, however. More to come after I remember it all. And I think we all know what will happen on Tuesday after the exam... Who be dat? Haha, rock on Freeman, rock on!

Last night is also good because I had a dream I slapped President Bush across the face. Fucking excellent.

HEY, PAY ATTENTION!

2004-11-12T17:39:00.000-05:00

So, uh yeah, time to make a blog, because I forget alot... and space out. So this is about my life (as if anyone cares... haha joking... really...) on digital paper. Expect more posts to come soon. Today is Friday! Yes, I got one thing right today! I hope I can live past Tuesday when, simultaneously, I plan to fail both my calc exam and play Half Life 2 until I pass out from caffeine overdose and sadness. Awesome.