Aphelion

Humanity is a funny thing. I suppose that is an understatement. With so many things that have happened to me, I have turned my eye more and more inward. I am a selfish bastard. I can accept that. Selfish and selfless. Over the last few months I have re-evaluated what it means to be myself. I don't even remember who I was. How many people have I let down? Many. How many people have I failed? Many. And I don't write this as a search for pity or help. I write this in hopes of someone, anyone, understanding me. Maybe through such a process, I can understand myself as well.

Humanity survives on conflict. We live in a world of simple dualities. There is no viewpoint that is not separated from a polar opposite. We cannot escape this, and we cannot escape the act of prejudgment. We don't relish our opinion. We relish the act of judgment that is the determining factor of the opinion. I have to break this. I have to break every single act of friction I come into contact with. I used to respond in selflessness. Now I respond in indifference. It was this godamned thing that drove me away from everything, my dreams. My family. My loves. I have become caught up in so many tangles that I cannot even fathom where I am right now.

I won't do it anymore. I cannot. I am different. I am different. It feels as though my life is coming to an end soon. That I've done everything I've could and I cannot do anything more. Perhaps this life is done. Perhaps its time for me to become something else entirely. I can't deny the things within me that have been pulling me away from this.

I apologize, as I always apologize to those who suffered in the path of self awareness. Does it matter? Probably not. I can accept that as well. I don't actually apologize anyways. I am done with formalities and the normal operative behaviors that are deemed proper pretext for interactions in our society.

People need to be reminded of themselves. Not themselves in the eyes of others. We are so concerned with our own self in other perspectives that we lose our own ego entirely. To be selfish and selfless... yes, the utopian ideal. This is what must be achieved. In order for me to accomplish that, I must shed all the hulks of me that I seem to be dragging, like some anchor with its chain twisted around my neck.

I have been so quiet after dealing with the things I have dealt with. So quiet that now I can do nothing but vomit these words and continue to vomit until I am satisfied. One can become bulimic with information. WHY have I been so quiet? WHY WHY WHY? What is happening me?! I am becoming frightened. I cannot sleep at night, I cannot eat. There is some hideous thing growing in me. And I used to be such a good little boy. C'est la vie.

To anyone who actually still reads this and have no idea what I am talking about, excuse my horrible ambiguity. To anyone who understands this, excuse my horrible execution.

I can no longer deny the things in me which force me to let go of my past practices. There is an intense buildup that has been occurring over the last few years. I can't deny it. I can't.

This is my Ragnarok.

I know the outcomes. Like a projection into space, I see the nexus of location and time where all proceeding events flow. It's as if there is a single doorway leading to the true path of my life.

I am sad by the people I have hurt. It was never my intention, as I feel in the entire history of the world, no one has ever truly intentionally hurt someone. Yet I am sad that I have only led half a life. One half acting out of self, one half waiting within self.

Writing this, I begin to feel clean. I feel as if I am cauterizing these wounds I have given myself. No, I won't be frightened anymore. I won't escape anymore. There is no time left, and there is so much to be done. Words precede action. Action leads to change. Change shifts future paths of all those involved.

Can't you see? Can't you perceive?

It's time to evolve.
It's time to become a force to be reckoned with.
It's time to start living for myself.

So, uh, when I need to escape, the obvious path to enlightment goes through a shisha and a corona. I suggest you do the same and blow off everything you were supposed to do today. Perhaps after that, play some snake eater on the PS2.

For real advice, I seek the wisdom of Tyler Durden:

"Fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... let's evolve, let the chips fall where they may."

So let's plan this trip. Logistics later, let's look at destinations, people, places, times. The sooner, the better.